What a dark tone for my da Journal skin. It matches the subject of the this journal so if you don't want do hear about personal, sad stuff, feel free to ignore this. But it contains news about my art, request ect.
Please forgive the bad way it's written, It took me 4 hours to write this journal. I have an hard time writing in general, thank you for your kindness.
Hi everyone. Long time no see huh? Long, long time.
The first thing I want to say is that... I missed you. I missed every single ones of you. I missed talking to you, doing polls, reading critics ans comments... those were the best part of my days: coming here to see you. It may sounds pathetic coming from a 26 years old woman who must have better things to do in life than checking messages on a mainstream website... but it's true. I love you guys. I love seeing your drawings, I love seeing your improvements, I wish I could do it more often.
So... why did I disappear?
I developed an anxiety disorder and a borderline personality disorder. if you don't know what it is I invite you to check my tumblr
and google it. I have it since 2,5 years now but I was very ashamed of it... also, I wasn't really sure what was going on because it came slowly. It started with a big fear of answering to people by any kind of device. I have a telephone phobia since 16 years so I thought it was the same thing until it reached the point where I stopped reading messages, emails, I would get sweat if I saw I new note on deviantART of a new message on facebook ect... coming from literally everyone. I didn't know what an anxiety disorder was, I was just telling myself "get yourself together, this is ridiculous!
" but thanks to tumblr I got informations and got a diagnosis from a therapist. I started the treatment very recently, mostly because I was so ashamed of admitting it and talking about it. So yeah, I'm working on it.
But it's not all. I had a major burn out and got drown in my depression. I couldn't take it anymore, the physical pain (I have fibromyalgia), the panic attack, seeing my life sleeping away from my fingers as I was becoming disabled. I don't know what happen but one day I just. Stopped talking. stopped drawing. stopped singing. stopped eating. I was just crying, sleeping and watching my boyfriend play videogames (I can't play a lot anymore because of joint pain). If I could work I would. If I could go out I would. I was a silent automat, crying inside.
So, yeah... I didn't draw since last year. The last thing I posted on my tumblr
is the last thing I drawn.So if you are waiting for a drawing from me or if you sent me messages and recieved no answers, I sincerely apologize. I am truly ashamed of this disorder, telling you all of this cost me a lot. I don't know if you can forgive me or if you hate me but rest assured that I'm aware of the consequences of my behavior and I really hope I didn't hurt someone's feelings too bad because of my issues.
Then I started looking tutorials, keeping myself informed on work, I kept fighting my illnesses and the more the time pass, the more they take a huge place in my life, in my time. And I will be honest, it will not be better and I'm feeling really down. so down that I'm thinking about the worst.
I have major depression since I'm 5 years old. You must understand that I've been unhappy, depressed, suicidal all my life, with all that comes with it. Food doesn't taste nice, I don't feel happiness very well all though I can fake it, I sleep so bad I never feel rested, I have horrible nightmares (that have now became reality). I've been psychologically, verbally, physically and sexually abused most of my life time, and there are things you don't recover from in 1, 5 or 10 years of therapy. I've been homeless (with all that comes with it) because someone I loved didn't wanted me anymore, I had boulimia and I'm still recovering from it (because it never really stop), I've been abandoned several times by family and trusted people, I've seen people dying in front of me. I never had a real home because mother and I had to run away from her psychopath ex-boyfriend. I was beaten everyday at school and on the streets.
It is all I know from life. Since 20 years people told me "keep going, it will be better!". And I believed that. I still do sometimes. I never knew how much hope could make you move forward.
But... It never did. A new year comes and the struggles are worst. New ones come along, so often I do not have the time to recover from the old ones. I take so, so much care of myself, I choose my friends carefully, I fight and I thought it was working...
Then the fibromyalgia came. Then the migraine syndrome came. And with them, hypersomnia. I sleep 12-16 hour per days, which means I loose my time as a young adult.
doctors don't know what this thing is. They made me do everything, every diets, every tests. The meds I'm taking are heavy and I'm already taking too much of them. It's dangerous ans I don't like it. Sometimes my body hurts so much, I hit my head on the wall to get unconscious. Sometimes it's like I'm in fire, with people telling me to "support the pain". I wake up in the morning with the feeling of being hit by a bus. The mental symptoms are horrible too. At my current state, I can't go out alone or I'll get lost, get hit by a car, I can't recognize my home, nor I can write correctly or read long phrases (I'll not correct this journal I'm telling you). I don't remember anything, I can't concentrate, I walk with a cane and I stay at home because I can't afford a wheelchair.
Doctors don't know so they tell me to have a very very healthy lifestyle. so healthy that I can't enjoy anything anymore, because my organs are failing me (my digestive system doesn't work without meds anymore), because my muscles can't take it. On the outside I must look like... someone with paranoia: I clean everything because I have a bad immune system, I am so very careful of what I wear, what I drink, the food I eat, do I exercise enough, but not too much or I'll go to the ER, I have to check after the doctors because some of them don't know (or don't care!!!) about fibromyalgia, I spend all my time with doctors telling me everything then the exact opposite...do they have toilet for disabled people in this restaurant? Can I digest this pizza my friends want to order? It is a nightmare!!!!
So...what do I do...? What can do my friends? They won't call me to go out anymore if it became so complicated to be with me.
They won't help me if there are stairs...the first time maybe but... they don't even care to check if the places we're going to are disabled-friendly or not. I know... I've seen them walking at normal speed without me.... I've seen them loosing me in the crowd though they know I'm disabled... then texting me "where are you?"
But... I have a depression.... and anxiety... I should go outside and eat in restaurants with friends and go out... have activities. I need those things to get better in my head.
I have the feeling that I do everything I can since 20 years and it is never enough. Am I not good enough? for people? for life? Is it my destiny to die in suffering?
I reached a point when doctors... don't know what to do with me anymore. They are closing doors.
I don't want to die... but I am alone and tired. I do not have the strength to fight as much as I have to
: a major depression, a big anxiety disorder, a borderline personality disorder, recovering from bulimia, disability coming from fibromyalgia, my organs failing without reasons, no time or strengh to have fun or share love... AND I have to fight the people who are supposed to help me: my friends, my doctors, the government.
I am alone. I mean that, I'm 100% alone. Everyday, there is zero people around me. No family (they're all dead), no friends (they don't want to cop up with my illness or I can't speak to them with my anxiety disorder) and one month ago, I broke up with the only support I had: my ex boyfriend. It was my decision, because I do not have feelings for him anymore and he deserves the truth (even if loosing his support is, you guest it, very grave for me).
There are no centers here who can take me in charge... and what could they do that I didn't already tried those past 20 years with 30+ doctors?
I do not work, at all, due to my mental and physical disability and the fact that the French government isn't cooperative with fibromyalgic patients. This is a huge thing to admit for me because in society, if you don't work you're nothing. The only treatments that works a little cost too much, I have no money for it and nobody to help me. I don't care anymore anyway, I feel like giving up on myself.
I'm currently in the situation when I'll be soon a homeless, disabled, lonely young woman... away from my sweet country home.
Away from a computer, that means away from you. Idon't know if I will post other drawings here... I don't know Those past 3 years I fought with all my strength to prevent that. But I failed... and I am sorry.
I'm not telling you this in hope of receiving anything. I'm telling you this because I'm tired of hiding it and I owe you the truth. You've been the ONLY ONES to wish me a happy birthday, the only ones to support me even if you don't see me, even if I give you nothing for 1 years. The fact is you are the only ones to know my exact situation I'm writing in this journal.My mental and physical health are the only reasons I never take commissons or finish requests
. I always have the hope to finish requests but I don't want to accept money from people if I'm not 100% sure I can do the job properly. The little bits of times I have left in my days are used to earn money by taking freelance works (when I wasn't disabled), go to therapy and search for something, someone who could help me save myself.
I'm ashamed. I'm so ashamed. I abandoned you, I abandoned my friends, I abandoned potential co-workers and potential clients. I didn't finish school, I don't work, I feel worthless. I don't know if I can have a career, or a home, or a family, or even love somebody. I don't know how anybody could love me. I feel broken and I want to end this life of suffer and misery.
And man for people knowing me for a long time, or following me on tumblr, you know I'm full of strength and hope. I never say something nasty, I keep my calm, I fight back, I give love, I give positive vibes, I give the few pennies I have to people in need even if I am a person in need. I spent all the free time I had helping people when I was young, or studying, I am a good girl, I'm not complaining, I still want to see the good side of things and help people with depression and anxiety, like myself. It's not like I'm digging my own grave for God's sake! So why?!
I'm sorry guys. I feel so lonely and I don't have the guts to go find people, it's so ridiculous. Are you laughing at my while reading this? I'm afraid you are, I'm afraid you think I'm weak and stupid. I
think I'm weak and stupid.
I am asking myself if you will have the strength in your heart to pardon me for my absence.
Ho, before I forget, I just want to say a big, big thanks to some tumblr's users who, just by reblogging stuff, helped me in hard times, helped me knowing myself, asking myself the good question and be a stronger person. Thanks to the spoonies community on tumblr, without them I would be lost in the void (I'll thank you all on tumblr personally but you deserves a mention here). Thanks to
, a great dA group that shares love and support. It helps me these days and I think it is a great initiative.
If you have any questions feel free to leave a comment, as always I do the best I can to fight back my anxiety. I think it is important to talk about those subjects so don't be shy. And if you have anything that could help me, it would be very appreciated. I hope to see you soon guys, thanks you a lot for your neverending support! I love you all.